Funny To A Point – My Biggest Nemeses In Shadow Of War

If you read one of my columns last month, you know I’ve
been playing
and enjoying
the heck out of Destiny 2 (which some readers seem personally offended by for
some reason, but that’s a topic for another day). Something about the changes
Bungie has made to the series have really clicked with me, and
kept me coming back night after night.

However, the life of a professional gamer isn’t that easy,
and while I would love to indulge in the hedonistic pleasures of playing the
same game forever and ever simply because I enjoy it, it is my sworn duty to
evaluate and explicate on the latest releases for the benefit of my dear
readers. Seriously – I swore an oath when I started working at G.I.,
and I don’t intend to break it.*

Anywho, Middle-earth: Shadow of War is the hot new game this
week, and while I originally intended to write another long and rambling
impressions piece and then force Jeff Cork to proofread it, a clear focal point**
has emerged from my play sessions: the Nemesis system.

I was a huge fan of Shadow of Mordor’s procedurally
generated orc hierarchy (or hierorcy if you will…You won’t? Fair enough), and
Monolith has clearly focused on improving and expanding the system for its
sequel. Within a few hours, my in-game world was populated by a host of interesting and unique orcs
who had all made the fatal mistake of getting on my bad side. So without
further ado, here are my biggest nemesises in Shadow of Morewardor.

Note: You can click the images for bigger…images. You know what I mean.

Tarz The Humiliator

Tarz was one of the first orc captains I came across while trying to learn the
bajillion moves and skills Talion has at his disposal, and he more than lived up
to his stupid title; after cutting me down in battle, he cracked some one-liner
about how easy I was to beat and then disappeared. I mean, I get humiliated in
games all the time, but I’m not used to having characters call it out to my
face!

The second time I tracked Tarz down, I gave him a good
stomping, only to have him throw off my death blow and at sling more taunts at
me. Then he disappeared again! How does he do that?! As you can tell by the
picture, I finally got the best of Tarz, but I’m guessing he’ll probably come back
from the grave to give me more guff. Freaking Tarz.

Ronk The Tark Slayer
It didn’t take me long to completely break Shadow of War. Ronk was just
some random lackey orc who got in a lucky final blow while I was still learning
the ropes. But unlike that jerk Tarz, there was something oddly endearing about
Ronk. For starters, he seemed really happy
when he killed me, and gave himself the title of The Tark Slayer, because I
guess I’m a Tark. Maybe I’m just a sucker for underdog stories, but seeing him
get a promotion kinda made me happy for him.

That didn’t stop me from cutting him
down the next time I ran into him, but he took the defeat well, and christened
me The Tark Slayer Slayer. So maybe he isn’t the brightest guy, but at least he’s
a gracious loser! In fact, when he popped up later in the game (orcs sure do
cheat death a lot in Mordor), I was so happy to see him that I just ran away.
I’m hoping I can keep getting him promoted all the way up to Nazgul.  

Noruk The Envenomed

This Gremlins extra–looking jerk has been way off in the
southwest corner of Minas Ithil on a caragor hunting mission for the entire
game so far, and I’m simply not going that far out of my way just to kill
another orc. I think he realizes it too – look how smug he is! You can also tell
by his complexion that he’s been out in the countryside way too long. Put some
sunscreen on, Noruk!

Bagga The Runner

Speaking of no-show cowards; I ran into Bagga once while flipping across the
rooftops of Minas Ithil like a lunatic. I winged him with an arrow, and he
instantly retreated. I haven’t seen him since. Ah well, at least his title is accurate.

Hork Man-Breaker
Hork, on the other hand, wasn’t so lucky. I can’t remember for certain, but
I think Hork was part of a main mission, and was way more powerful than me when
I went up against him. Rather than taking him head-on (pun somewhat intended), I baited a giant graug,
which pounded on Hork until he was almost dead. Unfortunately, the two idiots chased
each other out of the mission zone, and when I followed to finish him off, I
failed the mission.

I restarted it, and apparently must’ve beheaded him at the
end of the battle? I’ll be honest, I barely remember any of it – I’m not a great
hero, and I definitely shouldn’t be entrusted with the One Ring. Or the Second One
Ring, which Celebimbo can apparently forge whenever he damn well feels like it
because nothing J.R.R. Tolkien wrote matters anymore.

Ushak The Agonizer

You certainly can’t tell from his appearance, but this is the character that Kumail
Nanjiani plays, and he wasn’t lying when
he told Conan O’Brien that Monolith screwed him over – he doesn’t sound
anything like an orc! They just put his normal voice in there! It’s so
embarrassingly out of place that he’s painful to listen to – maybe that’s where
the “Agonizer” title comes from?

Regardless, I wasted no time putting Nanjiani out of his
misery, only to realize immediately afterwards that I should’ve waited until I
unlocked the domination ability so I could recruit him.*** Thankfully, Nanjiani
popped back up later in the game, and I’ve been running away from him ever
since just to keep him alive.

Ogbur The Undaunted
Awww. I don’t even remember li’l Oggy, but I like his confidence; despite
being small and sickly, he still named himself “The Undaunted.” Unfortunately,
he’s dead now. Mordor is a mean place.

Coming Up Next: A bunch more orcs I’ll be exacting my revenge on. In theory, anyway…

*Granted, I wrote and pledged the oath to myself while Andy
repeatedly told me it was unnecessary and weird, but it’s still an oath, dammit! (back to top)
**Although, a secondary and equally important talking point
is the fact that Shelob is a now sexy Milla Jovovich lookalike for some reason.
What the hell is that about?! I’m not a huge Lord of the Rings nerd, but even I
know that Shelob is supposed to be a giant freaking spider! And yeah, maybe she
has some magical shapeshifting powers, but of all the things she could change
into, “half-naked white woman” feels just a little too in line with some
corporate executive’s idea of what the stereotypical mouth-breathing
Gamer wants to see. I’m surprised it’s not included as a bullet-point on the
back of the box. More importantly, though, if Shelob can turn into a sexy woman
on a whim, why isn’t she ALWAYS a sexy woman? Trapping human snacks would be a
helluva lot easier! (back to top)
***Quick side note: What’s with all the weird sexual
nomenclature in this series? You’re always dominating someone or humiliating
them or pinning or mounting them…something weird is going on at Monolith. (back to top)